Why I Support KFC Instead Of A Football Team
Tipple Tours
I've never really understood football. Wherever you go in the world, people want to talk about it. Pubs, airports, hotels, train stations, wineries, mountain villages, beaches. You can be standing in the middle of nowhere and somebody will still ask:
"Who do you support?"
The problem is I don't.
This answer is usually met with the same expression people reserve for finding out you've never seen Star Wars or don't know who Taylor Swift is.
"But everyone supports a team."
Not me.
I've spent years travelling the world and have concluded that the world would be a very boring place if we all loved exactly the same things. If everyone spent every weekend watching twenty-two men chase a ball around a field, what would we talk about in the pub?
So when people ask who I support, I proudly tell them:
"KFC."
Strangely, in places Cuba, this seems to break down barriers immediately. Instead of arguing about Manchester United, Liverpool or Arsenal, people suddenly become interested in my team.
And what a team it is.
The KFC Starting Eleven
Goalkeeper
Big Daddy Bucket
A commanding presence between the sticks. Covers most of the goal simply by standing there. Hasn't seen his feet since 2019.
Right Back
Mini Fillet
Small, dependable and completely overshadowed by bigger names.
Left Wing-Back
Zinger
Fast, spicy and prone to reckless challenges. Has collected more yellow cards than goals.
Centre Back
Original Recipe
The veteran. Been at the club for decades and still insists football was better in the seventies.
Centre Back
Boneless Banquet
Looks intimidating but tends to fall apart under pressure.
Centre Midfield
Bucket (pronounced Bouquet)
Insists he's French. Nobody believes him. Frequently points at empty space and calls it "tactical awareness".
Centre Midfield
Hash Brown
Technically gifted but often appears to have forgotten what sport he's playing.
Sweeper
Flamin' Wrap
Specialises in naming and shaming opposition strikers. Never misses an opportunity to remind everyone about their mistakes.
Attacking Midfield
Gravy
The glue that holds everything together. Without Gravy, the entire team falls apart.
Centre Forward
Krushem
Part-time rapper, full-time striker. Celebrates every goal with a mixtape nobody asked for.
Centre Forward
Onion Ring
Runs around in circles for ninety minutes. To be fair, that's exactly what he's supposed to do.
The Bench
Popcorn Chicken
The oldest player in the squad. Simply stands in front of goal waiting for something to happen.
Mighty Bucket For One
Desperate to come on but never quite fit enough for ninety minutes.
Corn Cob
Solid but unspectacular. Usually brought on to defend a 1-0 lead.
Chocolate Sundae
Looks fantastic but melts under pressure.
Pepsi Max
Claims to be a performance-enhancing drink. Nobody is convinced.
The Manager
Colonel Sanders
Hasn't spoken to the press in years. Simply folds his arms, stares into the distance and somehow wins Manager of the Month.
The Mystery Of The Football Dive
Another thing I've never quite understood is the dramatic fall. A grown man brushes against another grown man and suddenly he's rolling around the pitch clutching his leg as though he's been attacked by a chainsaw. A minute later he's sprinting at full speed again. If I behaved like that after stubbing my toe in a hotel room, people would be concerned. In football it's apparently a tactical skill.
A Different Kind Of Passion
The funny thing is, I completely understand why people love football. I just don't share the obsession.
My thing happens to be wine tours, strange countries, Soviet Ladas, bizarre food and occasionally getting lost in foreign vineyards.
Football fans have their stories. I have mine. And that's the beauty of travel. You discover that not everybody enjoys the same things. The world would be incredibly dull if they did.
So the next time somebody asks who I support, I'll continue giving the same answer.
KFC.
Currently top of the table and unbeaten this season. Mainly because nobody can find the fixture list.
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Editorial Team
The Tipple Tours team writes about wine, beer, and travel based on firsthand experience running tours across Europe since 2018.
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