Bordeaux Mystery Tour: No Clue, Just Cru

Welcome to Bordeaux. We Know What Happens Next. You Don't.

Make your own way to Bordeaux, where your highly classified wine adventure begins.

Check into our centrally located hotel, unpack your emergency hangover supplies and prepare to meet your fellow suspects.

This evening, we'll gather for our first secret mission. It involves wine, obviously, but the location, the people and the precise level of ridiculousness remain classified.

Then it's off for a fabulous welcome dinner featuring local specialities, excellent Bordeaux wines and the first gathering of the International Society of People Who Have Absolutely No Idea What They've Booked.

Your Tipple Tours host will provide a full briefing on the days ahead, containing absolutely no useful information whatsoever.

Tonight's challenge: Work out who's the wine expert, who's bluffing and who's already planning to buy a château after two glasses.

Two secret winemakers. One underground surprise. Several dubious theories about Merlot.

After breakfast, we're whisking you into Bordeaux's wine country to meet a producer who clearly didn't receive the memo about doing things normally. Expect unusual winemaking methods, extraordinary bottles and a host who will enthusiastically explain why everything you've ever been told about wine is wrong.

Lunch is a leisurely French affair involving local specialities, generous conversation and someone inevitably claiming they can taste blackcurrants, pencil shavings and the inside of a Victorian wardrobe.

This afternoon, things take a turn for the subterranean. We're heading underground for a mystery experience involving centuries of history and an entirely unreasonable amount of limestone.

Then it's off to another secret producer for more outstanding wine.

Today's challenge: The Great Bordeaux Bull Detector. Can you distinguish a £15 bottle from a £150 bottle? Or will you confidently declare the cheapest wine "a magnificent expression of terroir"?

Tonight is free to explore Bordeaux's bars and restaurants. Your host will offer recommendations, but absolutely no legal advice.

A suspicious château, a peculiar experiment and the world's least prestigious wine competition.

Today we're heading in a completely different direction. Literally. The driver knows where we're going.

Our first destination involves a château, an unusual winemaking technique and possibly the most expensive agricultural equipment you'll ever see. We'll meet the people behind the bottles, discover why Bordeaux has so many rules and investigate what happens when someone decides to ignore a few of them.

After a proper countryside lunch, it's time for something gloriously ridiculous: The Tipple Tours Grand Cru or Grand Poo Championships. Six mystery wines. Six completely anonymous glasses. One terrifying question: which bottle costs £100 and which came from the bottom shelf of a supermarket? Points awarded for correct guesses. Points deducted for saying "minerality" more than three times.

Next comes another secret experience involving something rather unexpected. We could tell you what it is, but then we'd have to replace it with something even stranger.

Tonight is our grand farewell dinner, featuring magnificent local food, fabulous wine and the official presentation of the coveted Golden Spittoon Award.

Other prestigious honours include Most Ridiculous Tasting Note, Most Likely to Buy a Vineyard After Two Glasses and Person Who Asked the Most Questions About Tomorrow.

A leisurely breakfast, a final stroll through Bordeaux and perhaps one last surprise before you head for the station or airport with the uncomfortable realisation that your suitcase now contains considerably more wine than underwear.

You'll return home with new friends, extraordinary memories and the ability to say "left bank" and "right bank" with completely unjustified authority.

The mystery is solved. The wine has disappeared. The bank statement remains unexplained.