The 27 Things Every Travel Influencer Is Legally Required To Do

Travel used to be relatively straightforward. You went somewhere, looked at things, ate something you couldn’t pronounce, got mildly lost, bought a fridge magnet and came home.

Then the travel influencer arrived.

Now apparently no human being can visit Albania without placing a camera on a wall, walking casually past it, returning to collect it, and then editing the whole thing to make it look spontaneous. After extensive research, mostly involving losing several perfectly good evenings to YouTube, Instagram and TikTok, Tipple Tours has discovered that all travel influencers appear to be following exactly the same instruction manual.

We think it may be issued at passport control.

It Must Begin With “HEYYYY GUYS!”

Every travel video must begin with “HEYYYY GUYYYYYS!”, preferably delivered at a volume suggesting the guys are currently standing in another country. “Hello”, “good morning” or “welcome to Moldova” simply won’t do.

Nobody knows who the guys actually are. There may only be seven subscribers, three of whom are relatives and one of whom is the influencer’s second account, but this makes no difference. The guys must be greeted, loudly and enthusiastically, every single time.

The Mirror Wave

Travel influencers are apparently required to wave whenever they encounter their own reflection. Hotel mirror, lift mirror, restaurant mirror, mirrored wardrobe or the window of a closed branch of WHSmith, it doesn’t matter. There must be a little wave.

It’s strangely endearing, really. Every reflective surface provides reassuring confirmation that they still exist.

“Wait Until The End To See How Much This Cost!”

This is one of the fundamental laws of travel influencing. You’ve already watched 19 minutes of someone getting a taxi, ordering noodles, inspecting a hotel bathroom and discussing the surprisingly good water pressure, but you cannot leave because eventually you will discover how much the room cost.

It was £34.

This information could have been communicated in approximately four seconds. Instead, you have accidentally watched a documentary.

“To Be Fair…”

“To be fair” must be used at least once every couple of minutes. “To be fair, this is actually really nice.” “To be fair, the train’s pretty comfortable.” “To be fair, £2.70 for a beer isn’t bad.”

Nobody had accused the beer of wrongdoing. There is no trial, no jury and no prosecution case against the train. Nevertheless, fairness must prevail.

“What A Lovely Guy!”

Any interaction with a local person must conclude with the announcement that they are a lovely guy. A taxi driver quotes the fare? Lovely guy. Waiter brings a spoon? Lovely guy. Someone points towards the railway station? What a lovely guy.

The man may have said four words, two of which were “platform three”, but that is enough. He is now apparently one of the finest human beings ever born.

“I Didn’t Expect That!”

Travel influencers are continually astonished by things that seem reasonably predictable. They visit Italy, order pizza, take one bite and announce, “I didn’t expect that to be so good!”

What exactly were you expecting? A Ryvita with ketchup?

The same applies to beaches being beautiful, mountains being large and local bakeries selling nice bread. Every perfectly foreseeable event must arrive as a staggering plot twist.

“Spend A Day With Me”

Steady on. We’ve only just met.

Closely related is “We’ll take you along!”, which raises several questions. Where are we going? Have we packed? Do we need a coat? Apparently none of this matters because we’re suddenly accompanying someone called Brad to a night market in Bangkok and nobody consulted us.

Walking Past Their Own Camera

This may be the strangest ritual of all. The influencer places a £900 camera 40 metres ahead, presses record, walks backwards to the starting position and then strolls casually towards it while pretending the camera doesn’t exist.

The finished footage suggests an adventurous traveller confidently exploring an exciting new city. The reality is that they’ve walked along the same pavement three times and left expensive electronics unattended beside a bin. Travel influencing appears to consist of roughly 30% travel and 70% retrieving your own camera.

Sometimes they walk away from it instead, gazing thoughtfully at a cathedral before coming back to collect it. This is presumably how Marco Polo would have travelled if he’d owned a GoPro.

The Hotel Room Tour

The influencer enters a completely ordinary hotel room with the excitement of Howard Carter discovering Tutankhamun. “Right guys, let’s have a little look around.”

There’s a door, a bed, a television, a chair and a bathroom. Then they discover a large mirror and give it the compulsory wave before moving on to perhaps the most important piece of investigative journalism of the entire trip: checking the shower pressure.

Civilisations have risen and fallen. Empires have disappeared. Yet Darren from Wolverhampton needs to know what the water pressure is like at the Ibis Kraków before humanity can move forward.

The Bed Test

No hotel review is complete until the influencer throws themselves backwards onto the mattress and announces, with genuine astonishment, that it’s “actually really comfy”.

A mattress has successfully performed its primary function. Five stars.

Then the curtains are dramatically opened for the traditional “LOOK AT THIS VIEW!” reveal. Outside is a car park, an air-conditioning unit and approximately 40% of a Lidl.

“Not bad, to be fair.”

Watching Someone Eat

The camera must be positioned approximately six inches from the influencer’s face. A fork enters the mouth. There is chewing, followed by widened eyes, a slow nod and possibly another nod just to confirm that the first nod was not accidental.

“Mmmmm. That is SO good.”

We have just watched a grown adult discover chicken.

This will usually be followed by “You HAVE to try this!” despite the food in question appearing to be a potato.

Everything Is Either AMAZING Or INSANE

Travel influencing has dramatically simplified the English language. A cathedral is AMAZING. A £1 beer is INSANE. A bus arriving on time is AMAZING. A sandwich containing slightly more cheese than anticipated is absolutely INSANE.

There are thousands upon thousands of perfectly serviceable adjectives available, but apparently none are required once you have “amazing”, “insane”, “incredible”, “literally” and “guys”.

The Hidden Gem

Eventually they will discover somewhere described as “a hidden gem that tourists don’t know about”. It will have 14,000 Google reviews, three coaches parked outside, an English menu and a Starbucks opposite.

“This is where the locals come.”

Behind them, Brenda and Keith from Solihull are buying fridge magnets.

THE OFFICIAL TRAVEL INFLUENCER STARTER PACK

Becoming a professional travel influencer requires surprisingly little specialist equipment, although you will need a tiny microphone held approximately two centimetres from your mouth at all times. Ideally it should have a fluffy attachment large enough to look as though you are interviewing a hamster.

You’ll also need enormous sunglasses that remain on your head indoors, a backwards baseball cap if you intend to use the words “digital nomad”, and a drone. Everything must eventually be filmed from the sky. Ancient village? Drone. Beautiful beach? Drone. Medieval monastery? Drone. Industrial estate outside Luton? Probably worth putting the drone up.

Nothing captures the tranquillity of an ancient Georgian monastery quite like £1,200 worth of electronics buzzing above it.

The “Authentic Local Experience”

At some stage the influencer will announce, “This is a place tourists NEVER come!” while sitting in a restaurant with an English menu, a TripAdvisor sticker and a table reserved for eight travel bloggers.

Even better is being unexpectedly invited into a local family’s home. “This is incredible, guys. They’ve just invited us in!”

Just outside shot, a production assistant quietly hands the family €150.

Authenticity achieved.

The Thumbnail Face

Every travel video must be advertised using a facial expression normally associated with discovering a horse in your bathroom. Eyes enormous, mouth open, one finger pointing dramatically towards something behind them.

The thing behind them is usually a kebab.

Across the image will be enormous text reading:

£1.20?!

Humanity may never recover.

The Clickbait Title

Nobody uploads a video called “Three Days in Bulgaria” anymore. It must be something along the lines of I WENT TO EUROPE’S CHEAPEST COUNTRY AND THIS HAPPENED 😱

You click.

What happened?

They had lunch.

The Obligatory Disaster

Eventually something mildly inconvenient must happen so the trip can “turn into a nightmare”. Perhaps the train is 14 minutes late, the hotel can’t immediately find the reservation or a café has run out of oat milk.

Within minutes the thumbnail changes to a picture of the influencer looking traumatised beside the words OUR TRIP TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE.

Against extraordinary odds, everyone survives.

“I’m Not Gonna Lie…”

Excellent. That was broadly what we were hoping for from a travel guide.

This is frequently followed by “I’ll be honest with you”, which is equally reassuring because until that moment we hadn’t realised dishonesty remained an option.

Then comes “This was NOT what I expected.” You have booked a three-star hotel beside a railway station for £19. What exactly were you expecting? The Ritz? A butler? King Charles peeling grapes beside the minibar?

The Airport Lounge Investigation

Every travel influencer eventually becomes a full-time reviewer of airport scrambled eggs. They enter the lounge, announce “Let’s see what food they’ve got” and proceed to inspect beans, sausages, tiny croissants, a coffee machine and a mysterious yellow substance that may once have encountered an egg.

“This is actually pretty decent.”

They are no longer travelling. They are conducting an audit for the Civil Aviation Authority.

“Guys, I’m Absolutely Shattered”

We know because we’ve been provided with regular exhaustion updates throughout the day. Our influencer has spent the previous eight hours drinking iced coffee, filming escalators and sitting on a train, and is now completely broken.

Meanwhile half the audience is watching during a 20-minute lunch break in a warehouse.

The Digital Nomad Phase

Sooner or later comes the announcement: “I realised I didn’t want the normal nine-to-five life anymore.”

They have escaped the conventional working day and achieved true freedom, which apparently means spending 14 hours a day editing videos, replying to comments, checking analytics, negotiating a free backpack and wondering why yesterday’s reel only got 417 views.

Freedom tastes beautiful.

To be fair.

The Sponsored Product Nobody Asked For

You’re finally engrossed in a fascinating journey through a remote village in Uzbekistan when the influencer suddenly turns to camera.

“Before we continue, guys, I want to tell you about the VPN I use…”

Please don’t.

We were enjoying Uzbekistan.

“Don’t Forget To Like And Subscribe!”

We’ll try, assuming we can still remember our own name after watching 38 minutes about a ferry terminal.

We’re also regularly instructed to “SMASH that like button”, which seems unnecessarily aggressive. Your phone was expensive. Just press it normally.

The Profound Ending

After spending a weekend drinking £1.50 beers in Bucharest, the influencer suddenly becomes a philosopher.

“Travel really teaches you that wherever you go, people are just people.”

Powerful stuff.

Anyway, Ryanair boards in 20 minutes.

The music swells, the drone rises majestically above the city and our influencer walks thoughtfully into the sunset while telling us they’ll “see us in the next one”.

Somewhere 300 metres behind them, their suitcase is still sitting outside the hotel because they needed both hands to fly the drone.

The Tipple Tours Guide to Travel Influencing

We’ve therefore decided Tipple Tours should probably start making travel influencer videos too, although ours may be slightly different.

“Hello. We’re in Georgia. This is a winery and that’s a dog. We’ve ordered far too much lunch, we don’t know what’s in that jug and somebody has just said it’s 62%. Andy has disappeared, someone’s grandmother has brought out another bottle and absolutely none of this was on the itinerary.”

Excellent.

At some point the camera will fall over and nobody will notice for twenty minutes. There will be no dramatic thumbnail, nobody will describe a sandwich as life-changing and we promise never to claim that we’ve “discovered” a village which has been inhabited since 1743.

Most importantly, absolutely nobody will ask you to smash anything.

Although if we encounter a mirror, there may be a little wave.

Apparently it’s compulsory.

Tipple Tours

Small groups. Big pours. No bloody ring lights.