The Walter White Wine Weekend

Arrive in Albuquerque, check into your hotel and meet the group. We’ll gather for a relaxed welcome dinner with New Mexican flavours and a briefing on the weekend’s ground rules:

1. Nobody may call themselves Heisenberg before dessert.

2. Nobody is allowed to cook anything in an RV.

3. If you say “I am the one who knocks” to hotel staff, you’re buying the first round.

4. Anyone who says “I know a guy” must clarify whether they mean a guide, a bartender or someone who can recommend a good wine list. We’re hoping for the first two.

We’ll get to know one another, run through the plan and identify who has secretly practised their Walter White impression in the mirror. Early night encouraged. Tomorrow has a lot of locations and at least one person will say, “I recognise that corner!” with the certainty of a detective and the evidence of someone who watched the series last Tuesday.

Climb aboard a Breaking Bad-themed RV tour and visit the Albuquerque locations that made the show famous. Tours visit 21 or more filming locations, though the exact stops vary.

Expect behind-the-scenes stories, fan-photo opportunities and the slow realisation that some of television’s most dramatic moments happened beside an ordinary road, car park or building where someone is just trying to get on with their lunch.

There’ll be plenty of time for photos. Try looking mysterious beside a wall. Try looking intense beside a lamppost. Try not to make every picture look like you’ve just remembered you left the oven on.

We’ll stop at Twisters, whose Albuquerque restaurant was used as the exterior for Los Pollos Hermanos. The chicken is real; Gus Fring is not on shift. Lunch is at your own expense. Do not ask for the secret menu. It is probably just chicken.

In the afternoon, visit the National Museum of Nuclear Science & History for a look at the Atomic Age, scientific breakthroughs and the consequences of people saying, “I’ve got this.” It’s a fascinating piece of New Mexico history and a natural companion to the show’s chemistry-and-consequences storyline.

Then take on the Route 66 Photo-Ops Challenge. Hunt for neon, murals and unusual roadside sights. Points for the best pose, strangest photo and most convincing impression of someone who knows where the group is going.

Dinner and drinks. Re-enacting the show’s dramatic scenes is optional. Re-enacting them in the restaurant is discouraged. So is whispering “this is not meth” over a bowl of salsa.

We explore Albuquerque’s historic Old Town, browse the shops and visit the Breaking Bad Store for souvenirs. We’ll also stop at the Rattlesnake Museum to meet some of Albuquerque’s more quietly confident residents from the safe side of the glass. They’re less likely than us to pose for a group photo and considerably less interested in the wine tasting.

In the afternoon, head to Gruet for a winery tour and tasting, subject to tour availability. Discover how the sparkling wines are made, then sample the results. Finally, a production process we can discuss without anyone wearing a hazmat suit.

Tonight’s challenge: invent a wine name that sounds as if it belongs in the series. “Better Call a Cab” is already taken by the tour’s emergency transport policy. Other entries might include Breaking Blanc, The One Who Pours and Say My Grape.

Dinner and drinks. The winner gets eternal glory, a round of applause and the right to mention their wine name until everyone quietly changes the subject.

Head beyond the city on an SUV filming-location tour into the New Mexico desert, featuring locations from Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul and El Camino. That’s a lot of television history and a lot of time to ask, “Was that the bit with the chicken?”

There’ll be plenty of opportunity for dramatic desert photos. Please keep the drama to the camera poses and leave the landscape exactly as you found it.

Back in Albuquerque, we’ll make a final local-drinks stop at a brewery or distillery, depending on what’s open and available for the group. There’ll be plenty to toast without anyone needing to manufacture anything.

At the farewell dinner, we’ll hand out awards for:

* Best Heisenberg Hat

* Most Dramatic Location Photo

* Best Attempt at an American Accent

* Person Most Likely to Have Asked Whether the RV Is Included

* Most Convincing “I’m Just Here for the Wine” Performance

Dinner and drinks. Acceptance speeches should be brief. This is a dinner, not a courtroom drama.

Breakfast, goodbyes and departures.

If your flight leaves later, there may be time for an optional visit to the Telephone Museum of New Mexico: vintage telephones, switchboards and the history of people trying to get through to one another. After the weekend, that last part may feel familiar.

Head home with photos, souvenirs and several new friends who now know exactly how many filming locations you can identify from a moving vehicle.

Albuquerque is a very nice place to visit even when you’re not being followed by a suspicious-looking RV. And if anyone asks what you got up to, you can simply say you went on a wine tour. That’s technically true.