Turkmenistan: Last Orders Behind the Marble Curtain

Welcome to Ashgabat, a capital city that looks as though Las Vegas and Pyongyang hired the same interior designer, then gave him an unlimited marble budget. After checking into our hotel, we'll skip the monument marathon and head straight into the city's more interesting corners, including its enormous indoor Ferris wheel. Because nothing says mysterious Central Asian republic quite like putting a fairground ride inside a building.

After dark, Ashgabat transforms into a glowing wonderland of illuminated marble, fountains and extravagantly unnecessary architecture. We'll admire the spectacle from a panoramic viewpoint before beginning our first proper Turkmen booze crawl, visiting local pubs and licensed restaurants for mysterious lagers, unfamiliar wines, traditional shashlik and possibly a vodka that could remove paint.

By bedtime, you'll have made new friends, sampled your first Turkmen drinks and begun wondering whether you've accidentally booked a diplomatic incident.

Forget Munich, Brussels and Prague. Today we're investigating a beer industry so obscure that even the most enthusiastic craft beer nerd probably couldn't name a single brand.

We'll head behind the scenes at a local brewery, meet the people responsible for keeping Turkmenistan refreshed and discover how beer is produced in a country better known for golden statues than golden ales. Naturally, a tasting is essential. We're professionals, after all. Sort of.

After a traditional lunch, we'll continue our beer expedition through Ashgabat's drinking establishments, sampling domestic lagers, investigating local beer snacks and discovering what Turkmen people actually drink after work. Tonight we'll enjoy a beer-and-food pairing feast, with prizes for anyone who can correctly pronounce everything they've ordered.

Today, we're attempting something rather extraordinary: becoming the first Western tourists to visit a Turkmen winery! At least, that's the plan. Nobody seems entirely sure whether it's happened before which makes the whole thing even more wonderfully ridiculous.

We'll venture into Turkmenistan's mysterious wine industry for a rare behind-the-scenes look at local winemaking, meet the people producing the country's little-known wines and, with a bit of luck, enjoy a tasting that very few international visitors have experienced.

Forget Bordeaux, Napa Valley and Tuscany. We're boldly going where wine tourists rarely venture, armed with curiosity, questionable pronunciation and an admirable determination to try everything poured into our glasses.

Will we discover a hidden vinous masterpiece? Will the winemaker wonder how on earth a bunch of British wine enthusiasts found them? Will anyone know what a tasting room is? There's only one way to find out.

In the afternoon, we'll seek out additional local bottles and investigate the country's grape brandies and fortified wines. By dinner, you'll be discussing Turkmen terroir with such confidence that your friends back home will assume you've invented the entire country.

Today we're heading into the Karakum Desert to visit one of the planet's most gloriously ridiculous attractions: a gigantic hole in the ground that has famously been burning for decades.

Travelling by 4×4, we'll leave civilisation behind, visit a remote desert settlement and discover traditional Turkmen food and hospitality. Then it's onwards to Darvaza, better known as the Gates of Hell, assuming access and visible burning activity are confirmed.

We'll arrive around sunset and watch the desert transform as darkness falls, before enjoying dinner and drinks beneath the stars.

Overnight in a desert camp.

After returning from the desert, we'll turn our attention to Turkmenistan's stronger drinking traditions. We're talking vodka, grape brandy, liqueurs and mysterious bottles that look as though they've been hiding in a Soviet drinks cabinet since 1978.

We'll arrange a specialist spirits tasting, ideally with a visit to a local producer, and discover how the country's distilling traditions have evolved. Along the way, we'll hear about Turkmenistan's extraordinary political history, including the former president who renamed months after himself and his mother, and the former dentist who succeeded him.

Tonight we'll seek out an old-fashioned Ashgabat restaurant for a proper local feast, followed by a few carefully chosen spirits. Open wide. This is considerably more enjoyable than a root canal.

Today we're escaping the marble madness and heading into the Kopetdag Mountains for a day of gloriously unconventional experiences.

First, Kow Ata, an extraordinary underground thermal lake where you descend into a cave to swim in naturally warm mineral water, provided it's open and safe to visit. Think luxury spa, if luxury spas involved climbing underground and wondering whether your travel insurance covers subterranean swimming.

Then it's onwards to the mountain village of Nokhur, where the local cemetery features graves decorated with mountain goat horns. Yes, really. Apparently ordinary gravestones were considered insufficiently interesting.

We'll spend time with local hosts, discover traditional food preparation and learn about village hospitality before enjoying a home-cooked feast. We'll also investigate local drinks customs, with any alcoholic tasting arranged only where culturally appropriate and permitted.

Tonight we'll stay in the mountains, swapping Ashgabat's white marble for fresh air, home cooking and considerably fewer golden statues.

Today we're heading west towards the Caspian Sea, travelling through vast landscapes where the occasional roadside teahouse feels like a major metropolitan development.

Our destination is Avaza, Turkmenistan's extraordinary seaside resort, featuring enormous luxury hotels, futuristic buildings, extravagant promenades and sometimes remarkably few holidaymakers. Imagine Benidorm after somebody accidentally booked the entire population onto a different flight.

We'll explore this surreal coastal playground, enjoy a stroll beside the Caspian and investigate the local hotel bars and restaurants. Tonight's mission is to discover what people drink on a Turkmen seaside holiday, with local beers, wines and spirits taking centre stage.

Dinner overlooking the Caspian, followed by an evening of drinks in one of the world's most unexpected resort destinations. Pack your sunglasses. And possibly a tumbleweed.

Today we're heading into the spectacular Yangykala Canyon, where enormous cliffs rise from the desert in extraordinary shades of red, pink, orange and white. It's one of those places that makes you wonder why everyone keeps going to the Grand Canyon when this exists and hardly anyone knows about it.

We'll explore the canyon by 4×4, enjoy a picnic surrounded by dramatic scenery and take photographs that will make your friends assume you've been using AI again.

Back in Turkmenbashy, we'll squeeze in one final Caspian drinks discovery before flying back to Ashgabat.

Tonight we'll aim for an old-fashioned Soviet-era hotel, preferably somewhere that hasn't redecorated since Brezhnev was considered fashionable. Then it's time for our grand finale: The Completely Unofficial Turkmen Booze Olympics, featuring the week's most interesting wines, beers, brandies and vodkas.

Awards include Best Mystery Wine, Most Unexpectedly Drinkable Beer and the prestigious I Can't Believe That's Actually Brandy Trophy. Finish with a farewell feast and the realisation that you've somehow spent nine days on a wine holiday in one of the world's most secretive countries.

After breakfast, it's time to say goodbye to Turkmenistan, a country where almost everything has been surprising, including the fact that we've successfully turned it into a wine and beer holiday.

We'll transfer to Ashgabat International Airport and head home with new friends, extraordinary photographs and an encyclopaedic knowledge of obscure Central Asian booze.

Try explaining to your mates that you've just spent nine days drinking Turkmen wine, exploring Soviet relics, swimming underground, visiting an almost deserted seaside resort and staring into the Gates of Hell.

They'll probably assume you've joined a cult.

Small Groups. Big Pours. Absolutely No Dental Appointments Required.