University of Advanced Boozology: The London Weekend

2:00pm University Registration: Welcome to London's least prestigious university, conveniently located wherever we can find a decent pub with enough chairs. Students receive their ID, Academic Drinking Passport and a welcome letter confirming their parents' disappointment. Introductions follow, along with one strict rule: don't call the lecturer "mate" until your second drink.

3:00pm Faculty of Fermentation: The Guinness Brewing Laboratory: Off to Guinness Open Gate Brewery where actual professionals explain how water, malt, hops and yeast become something considerably more interesting than water. Enjoy a brewery tour, tasting and practical lesson in pouring the perfect pint, including the complicated relationship between foam and facial hair.

5:00pm Department of Distillation: The Gin & Tonic Research Institute: At the City of London Distillery investigate juniper, botanicals and why adding tonic makes gin feel medicinal. Sample different gins before tackling the notoriously difficult examination: "Can You Identify the Botanicals or Are You Just Saying Citrus?"

7:00pm The Freshers' Dinner: A hearty pub dinner gives students time to bond, compare research findings and discover who's already started calling themselves Professor.

8:30pm The Interfaculty Pub Olympics: Darts, beer-mat engineering, pub trivia and arguing about things nobody can prove. Bonus marks for spectacularly confident wrong answers. Proceedings conclude before anyone attempts to claim a student discount at the bar.

10:30am Institute of Advanced Wine Appreciation: The Blind Tasting Examination: Students tackle the university's toughest challenge: identifying wine without reading the label. Learn about grapes, aromas and tannins before a blind tasting where "quite winey" earns partial credit. Anyone detecting "wet river stones, saddle leather and a disappointed Frenchman" will be immediately considered for a professorship.

12:00pm School of Viticulture: The Urban Winery Field Trip: Visit a London winery and discover that excellent wine doesn't require Tuscan hills, a French château or a man called Pierre. Explore urban winemaking, fermentation and ageing before a tutored tasting, complete with compulsory swirling, sniffing and nodding thoughtfully.

1:30pm The Departmental Lunch: Enjoy lunch while recovering from the revelation that London produces more than overpriced flats and people walking extremely quickly. Includes a brief lecture: "Why Your £12 Bottle of Wine Suddenly Costs £48 in a Restaurant."

3:30pm Department of International Fermentation: Visit a London sake brewery to investigate rice, koji and Japanese fermentation followed by a tasting. Is sake wine, beer or something entirely different? Students answering "yes" must explain themselves. Finally, a university recognising the academic importance of drinking sake in railway arches.

5:00pm Faculty of Contemporary Beer: The Bermondsey Beer Mile: Explore modern craft brewing with a guided tasting of experimental beers, including creations with names like "Disco Ferret Apocalypse." Compare brewing styles and submit tasting notes. Top marks for describing an IPA without mentioning grapefruit.

7:00pm The Vice-Chancellor's Grand Academic Dinner: Enjoy a proper dinner, excellent wine and gloriously unnecessary speeches. Debate whether pubs should replace Parliament, defend ridiculous dissertations such as "Why Beer Mats Should Be Legal Tender" and compete for the Outstanding Contribution to Liquid Research award.

Afterwards, independent research is encouraged. The University accepts no responsibility for findings submitted after midnight.

12:00pm Faculty of Historic Drinking Establishments: The George Inn: Our final field trip takes us to Southwark's historic George Inn, where centuries of literature, politics and British pub culture collide. Discover the fascinating history of coaching inns and why great thinkers have always needed somewhere to sit down. The fact that our research facility serves beer is entirely coincidental.

12:30pm The Graduation Sunday Roast: A magnificent roast with all the trimmings, accompanied by reflections on three days of academic achievement and friendships with people you wouldn't previously have trusted to operate a photocopier.

The Chancellor delivers a moving speech: "Three Days, Six Departments, Several Tastings and Still No Idea What Tannins Are."

2:00pm The Grand Graduation Ceremony: Don your mortarboard and collect your entirely unofficial degree in Applied Boozology, Pint Administration or Talking Absolute Bollocks. Every graduate receives a personalised certificate and academic transcript with special awards for spectacularly dubious achievements. Graduation photos enter the university archives, currently a Dropbox folder and a carrier bag under the Chancellor's bed.

3:00pm Alumni Association & Final Farewells: Join the university's prestigious Alumni Association whose main activity is occasionally suggesting everyone meets for a pint. Leave London with new friends, genuine booze knowledge and a completely worthless degree that absolutely must go on LinkedIn.

Congratulations, Graduate. You've finally found a university where your drinking counts towards your degree.