Flying is extraordinary. Humans spent thousands of years dreaming about soaring through the sky, finally invented a machine capable of carrying 300 people across continents at 600mph, and immediately used it as an opportunity to remove their shoes and argue about armrests.

The airport was merely the audition. Welcome aboard.

THE OVERHEAD LOCKER LANDLORD

Boards carrying a wheelie case, backpack, coat, shopping bag and enough duty-free to open a small branch of Boots. Every item goes into the overhead locker, leaving absolutely no room for anyone else. When another passenger attempts to move the coat six inches, its owner looks up with the expression of someone witnessing a burglary.

THE AISLE BLOCKER

Gets onto the aircraft and discovers Seat 14A. Instead of sitting down, they stand in the aisle and begin unpacking everything they might conceivably require during the flight. Headphones, book, glasses, water, boiled sweets, charger and something they've suddenly remembered is at the bottom of the suitcase. Behind them, 83 people wait patiently while boarding effectively stops at Row 14.

THE ARMREST INVADER

You start the flight with half an armrest. Perfectly reasonable. Twenty minutes later you have approximately two centimetres. Their elbow has crossed the border and is continuing its advance towards your ribcage. By the drinks service, they've annexed the entire armrest and are beginning exploratory operations into your seat.

You booked the window seat because you enjoy looking outside. Unfortunately, the person beside you has decided it's too bright and begins making increasingly obvious glances towards the blind. Eventually comes the request: “Would you mind closing that?” Yes, actually. I paid £18 extra for this window and we're currently flying over the Alps. Put your coat over your head.

THE SEAT RECLINER

Flight takes off. Seatbelt sign goes off. Immediately the seat in front launches backwards into your kneecaps. Your tray table is now six inches from your face and your £9 airport sandwich has become part of your clothing. The person responsible then settles down for a lovely sleep, completely unaware that your lower body has been converted into hand luggage.

THE SEAT KICKING CHILD

Kick.

Pause.

Kick.

Pause.

Kick.

You turn around. Parent smiles apologetically.

Kick.

You attempt the British solution of turning around again, this time slightly more firmly.

Kick.

After 90 minutes, you are no longer flying to Tenerife. You are participating in a psychological experiment.

THE SHOES-OFF TRAVELLER

There is no announcement inviting passengers to remove their footwear. Nevertheless, approximately seven minutes after take-off, somebody decides Seat 22C is now their living room. Shoes come off, socks appear and one foot somehow ends up between the seats in front.

Humanity worked very hard to achieve powered flight. This wasn't what the Wright brothers had in mind.

THE BAREFOOT TOILET VISITOR

Taking your shoes off at your seat is one thing. Walking barefoot into an aircraft toilet is another level entirely.

Look at that floor.

Really look at it.

That isn't all water.

THE PERSON WHO NEEDS THE TOILET THE SECOND THE TROLLEY ARRIVES

For 45 minutes, the aisle has been completely empty. Then the drinks trolley appears and somebody suddenly experiences the most urgent bladder emergency of their adult life. They stand up and politely ask the cabin crew if they can squeeze past.

There is nowhere to go.

The trolley weighs approximately the same as a Fiat Panda.

Sit down, Colin.

THE DRINKS TROLLEY DECISION MAKER

Cabin crew reaches their row.

“What would you like to drink?”

This apparently comes as a complete surprise.

“Erm…”

They study the trolley as though choosing a university degree.

“What have you got?”

Everything you just watched them give to the previous 14 rows.

THE MID-FLIGHT PICNIC

Somebody has brought food from home. Not a sandwich or packet of crisps, but a full aromatic banquet sealed inside multiple plastic containers. The lid comes off and within seconds the smell reaches the cockpit.

Three rows away, somebody opens an egg sandwich in retaliation.

We are now trapped inside an airborne buffet.

THE CALL-BELL ENTHUSIAST

Discovers the button above their head and immediately treats it as room service. Water. Another water. Can I have a blanket? Do you have any crisps? Could I get another wine?

The cabin crew maintain professional smiles while privately considering whether the emergency exit can be used selectively.

THE PERSON WHO GETS DRUNK AT ALTITUDE

Has two miniature wines and suddenly becomes everyone's best friend. By the third, they're talking to Row 19 about their divorce. By the fourth, they're telling the cabin crew this is “the BEST flight EVER”.

They will spend tomorrow telling everyone they barely drank anything.

THE SLEEPER WHO FALLS ON YOU

Starts upright in Seat 18B. Slowly tilts left. Head drops. Recovers. Tilts again. Recovers.

Then comes full commitment.

Their head lands on your shoulder and remains there.

You now have a decision to make. Wake them, move them or simply accept that you're apparently in a relationship until Malaga.

THE WINDOW-SEAT TOILET ENTHUSIAST

Insisted on the window seat. Lovely.

Unfortunately, they need the toilet every 35 minutes.

Each visit requires two people to stand up, fold away laptops, move drinks and perform a small choreographed evacuation into the aisle.

After the fourth trip, everyone in the row is monitoring their liquid intake.

THE TURBULENCE COMMENTATOR

The aircraft hits a small bump.

“Ooo, that was a big one.”

Another bump.

“Don't like this.”

Nobody asked.

The plane shakes slightly more and they look around the cabin searching for confirmation that everyone else believes death is imminent.

Meanwhile, the cabin crew are casually pouring tea.

THE PERSON WHO CLAPS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS

The wheels touch the runway.

Applause breaks out.

The pilot has successfully completed the activity they are professionally trained to perform several times a day.

Nobody applauded the bus driver this morning.

Nobody applauded the train driver.

But Captain Steve has landed in Alicante and apparently deserves a standing ovation.

THE SEATBELT SPRINTER

The aircraft lands and the seatbelt sign remains illuminated. This person immediately unclips anyway and starts retrieving luggage from the overhead locker while the plane is still moving.

A cabin crew announcement tells everybody to remain seated.

They stand there hunched beneath the locker, apparently believing this will somehow get them through passport control first.

THE PHONE REACTIVATOR

The wheels have barely touched the runway before 170 phones simultaneously reconnect to the network.

Ping. Ping. Ping.

Then somebody immediately makes a call.

“YEAH, WE'VE JUST LANDED.”

Wonderful.

The entire aircraft is delighted for you.

THE AISLE STANDER

The plane reaches the gate but the doors aren't open. Doesn't matter. Half the aircraft immediately stands up and remains bent beneath the overhead lockers for 12 minutes.

Nobody is moving.

Nobody can move.

Yet sitting comfortably for those 12 minutes is apparently unthinkable.

THE BAGGAGE LOCKER AVALANCHE

The doors finally open and someone enthusiastically pulls open an overhead locker without considering that everything inside has spent three hours moving around.

A bottle falls out.

Then a coat.

Then somebody else's duty-free.

Everyone ducks.

Welcome to Spain.

Flying remains one of the great miracles of modern life. For the price of a decent dinner, or £614 if you booked with British Airways during school holidays, you can wake up in London and be drinking wine somewhere sunny by lunchtime.

Yet perhaps the greatest miracle is that hundreds of strangers can spend several hours trapped inside a pressurised metal cylinder together without anybody being murdered over an armrest.

So next time you're flying with Tipple Tours, sit back, relax and enjoy the journey. Keep your shoes on, don't recline into somebody's kneecaps and remember the most important rule of international aviation:

Whatever happens, do not go barefoot into the toilet.